


Breakdown

by LostMe



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: 'cause everyone needs a post-reveal try, Angst, English still isn't my native language, Lost Lucifer, Lucifer's POV, Short, so short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 00:32:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15206876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostMe/pseuds/LostMe
Summary: It was never Chloe’s mind that was really at risk to break.





	Breakdown

Hell’s corridors are a maze.

_Maze. He misses her._

It was a measure of how much lower he has fallen that he was lost while walking his former kingdom. Hell’s doors do not have a lock. Even so, it was very rare that a soul would go through one. The very few that did leave their room got lost in between the corridors and eventually opted to go inside another door, to another room. It would not matter, anyway. Even knowing the way, the maze ended exactly where it began. There was only the maze. Lucifer never felt lost before.

He was lost now.

He knew Hell was _vast_. He knew there were parts of Hell that even he had never visited before. It always surprised him to arrive in such places, nonetheless.

In front of him, all he could see were closed doors, on both sides. The ash falling from the sky was distorted like the 3D effect in a movie theater. The screams of the damned were far away, more an echo than actual voices.

There was a flash of light and for a moment the corridor was all white. White floor. White ceiling. White doors. White Silence.

He decided that he didn’t like this part of Hell. It reminded him too much of Purgatory.

___

He is so lost now that he doesn’t even know if he is in the corridor or inside a room. Wouldn’t it make sense that the Devil’s Hell look like Hell’s corridors?

If he is not inside a room, he has been in one recently, though.

He killed Uriel. He has killed Uriel many times now. So many times, in fact, that he doesn’t even feel anything about killing his brother anymore. He also does not remember why he killed him.

He has done many things too many times since he came to Hell, actually. He rebelled against his Father. Again and again. The motive kept changing. Once he wanted to be loved. Then he wanted that the love someone else had for him was real. He thinks he wanted free-will at some point, which was ridiculous because… Well, a being without free-will does not have the capacity to _want_ , do they? He also kept falling. He fell so many times now that he is not sure if it was real or not. He isn’t sure if there was anything besides Hell.

He could very well have hallucinated Heaven, couldn’t him?

He imagined many beautiful things so he could have them taken away from him. He imagined a world besides Hell’s maze. He imagined someone - a demon- that would go to this world with him and be loyal. He imagined a brother. He imagined a woman capable of loving him. He imagined people in the life of these beings.

He then went and imagined that the demon betrayed him and that his brother hated him. That the woman didn’t believe in him. When things got too much he changed it. He made the demon free, the brother his ally, the woman his partner. When he let himself hope again he destroyed his dream by having the demon once more betraying him, the brother leaving him and the woman trading him for a murderer. Rinse and repeat.

To imagine a human who could live forever. Lucifer indeed had a great imagination.

Maybe he has imagined humanity as well? He could have. He could have imagined mortality too. Just so he could kill someone. Being himself unable to die and stay dead, who was there to say death was a thing?

He had killed everyone he had imagined at least once. He had killed Cain many many times. He had killed Uriel, Amenadiel and all of his brothers. He had killed the Douche, Ella, and Linda. He had killed Mazikeen. He had killed Chloe and the Spawn in so many ways. He had let them die too.

The doors flashed white again.

He didn’t like this part of Hell.

___

Sometimes he would go through a door and welcome the scene on the room with his whole broken heart. He knew it would only hurt worse after. Sometimes it would simply not matter.

Today’s scene was oh so lovely.

He woke up in Chloe’s bed, covered by her sheets. She was at his side, caressing his face.

“Good morning.” She said.

Lucifer reached out and felt her warmth against his nude body. When he leaned into her she embraced him. When he pressed his lips against hers she deepened the kiss.

But as was to be the norm in Hell, suddenly there was fire in the sky, ash in the air and blood on the sheets. Chloe’s body lay cold and lifeless against him. He knew she wasn’t real, never was, it didn’t refrain him to cry against her hair while he held her.

___

He was at Linda’s office again. Why did he imagine a room so dull?

“Lucifer, how are you feeling today?”

Did he ever felt anything?

“Lucifer, do you know where you are?”

Sometimes he would answer. Sometimes he would indulge and proceed like he would in another time, in another type of dream. Today he was not in the mood.

___

In some doors, there would be a murder. Sometimes he was the murderer. Sometimes he was murdered. Other times it would have absolutely nothing to do with him. He liked these the best. In them, Chloe would be there and they would solve the case together. Sometimes he would help her; sometimes he would just watch her work. He allowed himself to be reckless, he didn’t mind to be injured in his nightmares. There were dreams in which she would take care of him. He didn’t even mind that much when the illusion crashed and he was left to die alone, shot by her gun, her eyes wild at seeing his true face.

___

All of his sweeter illusions started at the beach. Leaving Hell. Kissing Chloe. Having her assuring him that she didn’t mind who he was. Having her telling him again and again that she missed him and wanted him at her side.

That beach was the best thing he has ever imagined.

___

“He will have good days and bad days, Chloe. You already knew that when we took him out of that asylum.” Linda said.

“I know… It’s just… Sometimes he will look at me and I can see he isn’t here! I just wish I could really reach him but I don’t even know where he is, much less how to follow.” Chloe answered.

“Chloe… I know it must be difficult but…”

“We had sex this morning.” Chloe confessed. She was crying. “I know he isn’t really in a place in which he is capable to consent but… I don’t have it in my heart to refuse him when he initiates something and… Well.”

“Chloe… Were he human…” Linda started. But Lucifer interrupted her.

“I am not human.” He said.

When Chloe looked at him he raised his hands and brushed her tears away with his thumbs.

“I’ve never meant to make you cry.”

She cried even more. He couldn’t do anything right.

___

Sometimes he would be able to turn the chaos of Hell in a semblance of order. He would remember leaving Hell, cutting his wings off and opening Lux. He would remember falling in love and would understand all of his mistakes that pushed Chloe into the arms of another man. He would remember killing said man. He would remember brushing it off as self-defense.  He would remember someone telling him that he was at a mental hospital, being told he was in shock. He would remember being told that he had a mental breakdown. He would remember Chloe coming for him.

But then he would also remember having his wings cut off again and again. He would remember an angel of the Lord coming to the Earth to kill a human who made the Devil vulnerable. He would remember another angel hiring a killer to send him back to Hell. He would remember an immortal man who wanted to die and that didn’t want to anymore once he was mortal. Everything was so damn crazy that suddenly all of his memories would reverberate like the echoes of a long forgotten dream. Reality would dissolve in the ashes of Hell once more.

___

He was once again at the beach, sitting on the sand. The sun was hot against his skin. His bare feet were resting against the sand. He felt Chloe coming to him before he could either see or hear her.

“Lucifer… I don’t know if you are listening but… They have Trixie, Lucifer.”

Lucifer looked away from the sea to see Chloe sitting at his side. She was hugging her legs against her chest, gaze fixed to the ocean. Her tears were silent like the ones of someone who has already wasted all the energy for sobs.

“They got her away from me and I can’t lose her too.”

He wanted to ask her who else she had lost.

“I miss you so much.” Chloe said before hiding her face against her knees. Her shoulders shook.

Lucifer touched her shoulders, trying to offer any kind of comfort he could. Chloe only shook more.

He wished to tell her that he was there. But then again, maybe he was not. Maybe there was never a place to be. He didn't want to lie to her. Not knowing how to proceed, Lucifer stood up and walked to the sea. He knew this dream. Being unable to help Chloe was always the worse type of punishment he could dream for himself. He should just kill himself so he could go to another illusion. Preferably a softer one.

Chloe trying to stop him was always bittersweet.

This time it was like she didn’t even notice what he was doing and it hurt in a way that it had never hurt before. In his hallucinations, she either loved or hated him. This was the first one in which she was just indifferent.  It made sense that Hell would evolve, wouldn’t it?

But it hurt. It hurt so much that this time instead of finishing the illusion he fought against it. He spread his wings and summoned all the light and fire within his soul and screamed and pushed against the walls of reality. His soul could rival the spark that created the universe, couldn’t it? The force to birth billions of stars. To create or to destroy all matter.

Either Hell would succumb or he would.

The slight touch on his arm brought him back from the end. Chloe was at his side, looking at him with wide eyes. In front of Lucifer, the sea was open, revealing lines of Hell soldiers from the shore to the horizon, all of them kneeling before their King. Besides him, he could feel the angelic presence of the six archangels and the four horsemen, all waiting for the orders of the first Prince of Heaven. The reality around him stopped shifting and he was in control of his own mind for what felt the first time in years.

He had Hellfire on his eyes, angel’s wings on his back and a so human love in his heart. Reality asserted itself before him and everything else was left behind in the fog of a dream.

He was complete.

He was free.

He was grounded in reality once again.

He had a child to find.

“Shall the good make the world right for the mother and the child. Shall the corrupt feed on the soul of the sinners.”

That night, he slept with both Chloe and Trixie in his arms, content to know that the world would still be the same once he opened his eyes again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> The idea that Lucifer's mind is so much more fragile than Chloe's has been haunting me for days. This little thing is my way to let it go, a draft of sorts, so I can focus on my other ongoing stories. However, it is my deepest desire to see this story written the way I believe it should and I would so love it if someone gave it a try. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! ^^
> 
> Ps: I have many unpublish stories in need of substance and unwritten ideas in need of a home. If you're interested in writing with me or accept requests, please let me know. I'm dying to read these only dreamed stories.


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